Me and my gf are “on the back burner” What that means I’m still not sure. She has school and other priorities, and I got squeezed out of her life as a priority. I’m no longer.. important I guess. She told me she doesn’t want anyone right now.
Ok, fine, I guess I can accept that, but what makes it so hard is that she was and still is my life. At my computer, I got mementos, balloons, memories, power bars, pictures, and about a million other things that she’s given me. I have a desk full of letters, and small gifts, and trinkets, and again, a million other things. I go past a store, get gas, in my car, or when my phone rings. I’m reminded of her. The ringtone, the elmo, the delta sonic. It would be easier to deal if she wasn’t so imbedded and entrenched into my life, memories, and heart. I can’t even begin to express to you how that fills to be just ripped out of your heart. You think of something looking for that familiar memory, that thought of her. That thought that makes you smile. The life you built together. And it’s gone. It’s barren. It’s empty. You find yourself alone. How? How can someone be that embedded into your life, and out so quickly? How can someone move on, or ignore all of that so quickly? I don’t understand how I lost her. My only guess is that I threw 100% of myself at her, and perhaps I’ve only had 60% of her? Not all of her. And 60% is a lot easier to move on that 100%? I don’t know. She said she never lets anyone in her heart completely, and perhaps she was always prepared to break it off at a moments notice. Only problem is I wasn’t. I hadn’t even thought about it.
My only regret as of now is that after this. Even if we make it. It will never be the same with her. It will never be the same with anyone. I’ll be a lil less niave, more paranoid, more protected, and more withdrawn. Making the next, or the current relationship that much more…. Well technically less meaningful. Less beautiful. Less full, less genuine. The next will only get 99%, 90%, 80% each time you go alone. Each time you get hurt, the more you have to protect yourself. What the hell is the point? She’s been hurt.. now I get fucked. That’s not how love, at least to me was supposed to be. It’s not. It’s supposed to be better than this.
I also know I'm over reacting a litle bit, but it makes me feel better :) well a lil I guess
Tue, Dec. 7th, 2004, 06:58 pm
my friend steve posted this on offtopic.com, and I must say it's so hilarious :) So I had to share :)
... in my eye
I was taking a shower and took the soap bar and rubbed it in my hands and started to wash my forehead. So then i was a dumbass and got soap in my eye and was like "wow, this hurts" so i hold my eye open under the shower nozzle only to forget that i had shampoo soaking on my head so thick shampoo ran down into my eye that i was holding open. Then i was like "holy shit this hurts what the fuck" and started cussing in the shower. I slid my hair back holding my eye open under the water... only to realize i had my contacts in and that the fuckin soap and shampoo was just sitting there on my eye. So i fall out of the fucking shower to goto the mirror to get my contacts out and the fuckin mirrors are fogged... so i can't see. So i try and take my contacts out without looking, and my motherfucking hands were wet so it took my 2 min. to get them out. Keep in mind my eye is stil burning like a motherfucker. Finally i got back in the shower and rinsed out my eye. It still hurts when i blink.
Just wanted to share that with you guys.
Love isn't put in your heart to stay. Love isn't love until you give it away.
just a quote I really liked I stole from a friend on aim lol :)
My last post I think lol (I didn’t even bother to look) was about how happiness is found through being able to procreate. I realize now it’s not. I’ve thought about it long and hard, and I think it’s not being able to procreate, but to matter. I think happiness is directly proportional to amount you “matter”. Ultimately life in finite, and our existence is well meaningless. It’s completely worthless is we don’t do anything with it. So people work their whole entire lives trying to archive something that ultimately doesn’t matter because we don’t get to keep those after we are dead. After all we are fucking dead. It’s not the fact that having children is the issue, it’s about making a lasting impression after you pass away. You’re DNA is continuing on, as is life. But after giving it much thought, it’s not the life that goes on that matters or that you’re dna strands continue on. That doesn’t mean shit. What does mean something that you were able to influence a life, and in your influence you were able to shape and mold people. So in death, those lasting impressions will continue on far after death. Example. Napoleon is well known hundreds of years after, as is Shakespeare, Kennedy, Hitler, etc. All of these people have been dead for years, and yet their names are still common on conversation and our society. That’s what we are trying to achieve. That’s what we are trying to gain—Influence. I analyzed my life, and there have been times I’ve been guilty of trying to change people, and I’ve learned in time that’s not how it works. People change themselves, and most times they resist any change, especially forcibly. As such, I don’t care if I change people, but in one way or another you will gain influence. The range of which is determined by them, but you do. Every person you talk to, reach out to, spend time with, you gain influence. So I geuss that’s what we all long for and aim for. Parents like that they have the same quirky habbits as their parents because it’s a small influence. I try very hard to influence people in the good. Help them positively, and I enjoy happiness. I gain happiness when I witness happiness and especially when I create happiness. It’s all about making a lasting impression is the best we can hope for. Everything else in finite and unknown.
Now for my day today. I spent the last night at frizzy’s (local bar downtown) with Jim and his new girlfriend to be, Anton, and I had a great time. Then I came back hung out with some of the Brian folk, and played halo2 (Awesome fucking game). And I didn’t get to bed till about 7:00am. It was hell-fun too. Then I woke up around noonish and got together with Rachael, and spent most for the day with her. I love hanging out with her, she’s so cool. *sigh* we need to do it more :). We had ling lings (awesome fucking Chinese!!!!) and headed?(that a word) out to the blvd mall. You know, the usual stops, Hot Topic and Spencers. We also went to the hemp place. No idea what’s it’s called. The “nature store or something” and I want to get a eyeball that is on a circular disk that changes as it spins, and it looks like the eye is opening and closing. I want to pop it in my car, I think it’s sweet. Then we got some polish ice? Weirdest fucking shit I swear! You can get the flavored water I think they call it. Imagine frozen jello in frozen ice form. The shit don’t freakn melt! It’s like… alien or something *evil music*. They also have their like twist, which is what I got. It’s flavored ice and ice-cream. Literally ICECREAM. Like if you took whipped cream, froze it, and popped it in a cone. It wasn’t bad, but it reminded me of icecream cakes where the whipedcream is frozen. That’s what it was pretty much. It was also good, and I got the mango flavor. Good times. I ran late and I wasn’t able to get to see my grandmother. All well.
I did get to kinda rant about society and stuff and about being genuine. See it started with my new sister’s friend. She’s very cute, and a sweetheart. She really is. I first met her last night and I could tell instantly that something was different. I’m not saying it’s 100% true, but my first analysis of her is that she has a well love / acceptance / self image issue. Like many many many of my friends, which well, I don’t know. I’m just semi used to it, and I generally have those ring of friends simply because I can relate. I too have my own issues. Anyhow, I passed her going up the stairs and she instantly gave me the feeling that she was “into me”. Just some friendly flirting, but she made sure to get my attention which for me, was a signal. She’s 15-16, and me being 21, she should, well be flirting with me? But she keeps finding excuses to touch me I guess. Which I don’t care, I think it’s cute, and I do enjoy it. I made an effort to tell her that she was beautiful, and that she looked good. The next morning she did up all her hair, and had make-up on…….which she probably looked.. hell, 4 years older which didn’t sit well for complicated reasons. I’m a very bad gauge of age, but she was getting into my age range, which I didn’t like. She shouldn’t’ be getting that type of attention from my age group.. I’m sorry. I’ll never EVER act upon it, but there are people who will, and won’t care for her like I do. That scared me a bit, but to all their won you know. But I did make an effort and told her straight out that she did look good, but she didn’t need weight loss pills she had? She weighs.. never mind. Let’s just say she don’t need em. And then I told her straight out she doesn’t need the makeup, and that she looks good without it. Which she responded that she did, and the liposuction, breast implants, among other things. She was quick to respond meaning that she has been thinking about it for quite some time you know. Which I don’t want to change about her, or at all, but I want to make her aware of what she’s doing. I don’t want her getting pregnant. It all goes back to the influence, and making an impression. I’m looking to make a lasting impression in which she lives a life that is enjoyable and full of happiness, not one of kids at early ages, or any other issues. I just enjoy high maintenance chicks. I don’t mind the drama, the pain, or the issues. It creates a demand for myself, and in the process you work thigs out. It’s like you’re building a relationship from the ground up and I don’t know, I think ti’s cool. A challenge and ultimately more rewarding. Nothing should be easy you know. Eeveyrthing takes work, why should relationships be any different. In my opinion, the only difference between hi-maintenance girls is that they are up front with their issues, and direct. Which I think is why I like them. I like being needed, helping people, and I hate bullshit. I find generally speaking that type of chick has those traits.
Holy shit, this is gonna be a good post :)
Let's start out with today. LOL, I sat on my butt most of the day as it was my day off. It was good to relax lemme tell you. Then around 10:00 I get invited out with my brother with a few friends and that, but first I have to drop off my father's glasses becuase he forgot them and can't see without em. So I dropped em off, and hopped on the throughway, but I was running out of gas. I was trying to meet up with the people over at the UB dorms, but I figured I needed gas first. As I was already pushing it anyhow. So I stop by mobile, get some gas, something to munch on and I pay for a car wash. The sheap one, I figured it get dirty agian anyhow, it was just very dirty. Anyhow, I go in there, it washes the whole thing, and tell me to pull forward. However the door only opens half way. I was like wtf. I moved back and forth on the tire sensor in hope of making it open or something. I just waited there thinking that it was like the "drying" cycle or some shit, but I'm like who the hell wants to fucking wait here you know. Well after about 2 mins, the door recloses! At which point, I knew I was screwed lol. So I call information on my cellfor the mobile on niagrafalls bld. They give me some number, but it's not the right one. So I tell the guy the story (information had a kick out of it too), and he starts calling people. It took almost 20 mins to get the right one. Normally, I would have just honked or banged on the glass. There weere people outside, but I figured the phone was the most humourus way to go "Hey, well, umm, I'm stuck in your carwash" lol. It was fun, and I pretended to be all pissed off, making a semi deal of it infront of customers and got some free car washes. That was fun.
< /endrndom story > lol
It all started out last night me and steve hung out after the lan. It was a god time, we played this “I never did game” with a whole bunch of people. That was kinda neat. Though I really don’t have fear of what people do and don’t know about me, it’s odd. I don’t care that they know, and don’t care what they think, but I do care what they think. I know, it doesn’t make sense. Like I guess if I know them, I care, but if I don’t, I really could care less. But even that isn’t true because there are exceptions to that rule as well. AH HA! I know what it is. I don’t care if people know, and I don’t care what they think about me as long as they have all the facts. I do however care if they don’t know me, and think they know me! I think that better explains it. And I’m still a bit wierded out by people thinking that I’m gay and I’m very conscious of it for whatever reason. I think it’s because I guess I carry a lot of the “traits” I guess? And for them to think that about me without getting to know me, I guess is the biggest thing you know. I don’t know, whatever. I view gays like I do blacks. Not all black people are bad, and not all gay people are bad. It depends on the person I guess.
Anyhow, after the party I get this jumbo list of porno sites from a friend, and there are so many damned site it was sweet. I was browsing through em, and holy shit some of em are nice. Most sucked though, but the whole point of brining it up was the fact that after I purged all lust, it was an interesting feeling. I was completely drained, and the desire both emotionally, mentally and physically were gone… well at least until I saw some chick half naked in galaxy quest lol. But anyhow, it was quite an experience to be.. relieved of such torment, and pressure, and having that desire always on the back of your mind. It was good to be pure in a sense. Mentally purged. It was wonderful. It’s like you’re caring this 30 pound backpack, and it’s not till you take it off you go DAMN that was fucking heavy. And the most beautiful part about it would have to be that the only thing that remains is your true feelings, and just you. Think about it. If you took lust out of ANY relationship and can still enjoy it. Then it’s quite enjoyable. There isn’t that pressure. I don’t mean to go on and on about it, but seriously. Think about that for a second. I always say that I don’t think of people in that way, and that the people I do know, my friends, etc. There is always that thought in the back of your mind. As such you can’t be 100% sure, but only 99. It’s nice to have that 100. Before you guys crucify me, hear me out. Let me explain something about guys, or at least me. Boobs are boobs. It doesn’t matter age (13-40), relation, family, neighbor, or anything. As long as they are female it doesn’t matter. I do not have any sexual feelings towards my sister, but she DOES have boobs. As such, I don’t try to look, stare, or peek, but the thought is always in the back of my mind. Well anyhow, my sister came in and just had her hair done. And it did look nice, but she mentioned that my mom made her cry about cutting it a lil shorter than she would have liked, and I felt bad. I told her she was beautiful, and that I liked her hair. I then gave her a huge hug and told her that I’m really glad that she’s my sister. During the hug, I had nothing but love for her, nothing but compassion, and genuine caring. 100% of that was love, with no nagging. To be able to give someone a hug like that was just awesome. I was able to feel what I felt and say what I felt, and there was no perversion tainted in it. It was all pure, and it’s nice to know that it’s all pure. And we shared a moment that I thought was just special, and it was so awesome. IT was freeing, and I loved it. She walked back about 3 mins later and said “Robert, I’m glad you’re my brother too” and went up stairs. I pondered that for a few seconds, and it brought me to tears. That my readers is love. Sometime we get so wrapped up in the romance of what we see, read, observe and all that other shit. But it’s nice to be able to love someone. To be able to SAY that you LOVE someone for they ARE, not because they make you a tad horney. You can say it all you want, but if it’s in the back of your mind, how can you tell. You can only be that 99, not the 100. And I was able to share that 100 with my sister today.
Well in a short few words lets sumerize the last few days
Sidney got hit by a car.. broken back, head trauma.... had to put her down, lots of tears, lots of crying. However watching something die was kinda neat. It was interesting to kinda see it happen.. sorta magical...it happens fast and it's subtle.
Went on a trip to ohio, that was awesome. Lots of fun. Went to somone's wedding I'm related to but didn't know the people. This 47 year old married this 25 year old.. lucky man. But the wedding was kinda lower class, and the reception was in a gym.. whatever.
My b-day (oct 2) That was a blast. I got a bottle of grey goose, and split it with my best friend, anton. It was awesome. it was nice chatting, and getting a bit tipsy. It was great. Then a full night of tribes vengance (puter game. It's awesome)
I had my aunt lezlie's wedding to burt. That was awesome. Free booz, and I was under age at the time ( just turned 21 not too long ago (oct 2) ) I was hitting on the cute bartender. Damn shame her bf showed up.. lol kinda ruined things :P
whole buncha stuff I can't rememeber.
Gonna hang out with Jackie this weekend.. which seems like forver and a half ago since we hung out last. It should be fun, but I still haven't allowed myself to belive it's gonna actually happen. Long story.
Well that should be it, I'll try to update more often, but I forget you know, and I'm so damned busy.
oh, me, margret, and a bunch of peeps went to putt putt ("adventure landing" (gayest name EVER)) played some mindless games. I spent like 7 dollars of quarters trying to get this poket knife screw driver / bottle cap opener thing, but I couldn't. It's the arm you have to hit the button on and as it spins around you have to hit it off the plater.. it's impossible. Let my 7 dollars speak for it self lol. Then we went to john and marry's for dinner. Pizza, and I bought everyone pop. It was nice. And I got to play pinball (love pinball)
The Barbie song is such an American song. It’s such a happy song. It’s such a true song, but what people don’t realize is it IS a song, and that we, as men, don’t have plastic wives to answer to every call, and do our will. Yet it makes a point, and I thought it interesting that it. It just reminded me of when I was talking it over with Anton, and it stuck ever since. Just made me think again when I heard it again, and it’s a fun song, but I was just enjoying the context in which they were making that statement, I thought it to be awesome.
Which leads me to my next point. Do we need to feel like we need 800 pairs of clothing? It’s all marketing bullshit. Making women feel inferior. You need a diet, you’re fat. We have pills and diets just for you. Here are some clothes to make you look better, prettier, and renewed. Then we get into diamonds. Guys don’t love people unless they buy you a diamond. Because they are in fact a symbolism of love. Nothing says I love you like.. well I love you. No diamond is going to change that. You’re not successful unless you have huge house, car, kids, wife, etc. Well fuck you too. Happiness is derived from your own personal feeling of contentment, and it’s society playing on the fact that you shouldn’t ever be content with what you have, not even your wife. Something I’ve had to deal with first hand. What kind of bull crap is that you know? We have all these things to MAKE you FEEL happy, but you will never feel happy because it’s not what you seek and or want. It’s a temporary fix. It’s a Trojan—completely fake, hollow, and filled with shit you don’t even want. I’m to appoint where I don’t want to be in this country, I’d rather be in the middle of no where living a life like the last samurai.. that’s happiness… that’s fulfillment, that’s MEANING. How much meaning can you get out of a house, cars, etc. Not a whole lot. We spend far too much time trying to patch it rather than fixing it. Running away from it rather than facing it.
Fri, Sep. 10th, 2004, 02:59 am
more to ponder
I haven’t updated in a while, but to put it bluntly, fuck you. It’s not a hostile fuck you, it’s just a.. I’m not sure. I’m not angry, but it somehow fits. It’s like a wake the fuck up fuck you. I just spent the last 4 hours talking to anton’s father, and he’s got things right, and I’m so fucking oblivious! I’m so retarded, I’m a fucking moron. I’m brainwashed by all this SHIT. This filthy mother fucking shit! TV, mags, society, and this shitty excuse to live.. He’s changed me, he’s opened my eyes to the fact that I’m an idiot, and this world we live in is the reason. It’s the society, it’s the way we are forced to live. It’s the few, powerful people, pulling all the strings, MAKING it this way. The very people benefiting from it.
I’m in awe, and shock.. and the song lyrics hit the spot
And what will happen?
Will I dream?
I am too scared to close my eyes.
For a second please hold me.
None can change in me these things that I believe.
But I don\'t know what happens now.
I am too scared to close my eyes.
-Legion, VnV Nation
I’m just sad.. I’m just, it’s so hard to explain. I mean why the fuck do we need all we do. Why is it that we have all this SHIT, the knickknacks, the 9 computers (which even I am guilty of), the countless shit we think we need all in the name of making us happy…. Well we aren’t happy because it’s not going to fucking come from a big fucking house, a new fast car, or a massive amount os sex or drugs. It comes from self. You have to choose to be happy, you have to evaluate yourself. Self fulfill meant! Do something you LIKE! Don’t go buy something for the hell of it, don’t go stuff your face to numb yourself. That’s all we fucking do. We drive around for hours, we work, we drink, we spend all this time ESCAPING.. why not face the problem you know. It’s just odd, and this whole conversation really has stirred thing up, and I’ve been guilty of wanting things… wanting big fancy cars.. wanting more than I need all in the sake of being happy you know. I too am guilty.
As far as this war, and ALL this fucking shit!!!! This fucking shit we are dealing with.. It’s going to kill this country, and he made a damn good point. We consume more than 60% of all the WORLDS resources… 60 percent! Yet we still complain. But what’s worse than that is the fact that china which is starting to want the same type of thing is consuming oil at record levels… Supply and demand anyone? That means rising gas prices… Say goodbye to these fucking gas guzzling SUVS. There isn’t enough to go around anymore.. there just isn’t. That’s why we are in Iraq.. It’s a time bomb.. and we will hit the bottom. Airlines are not making money.. gas prices are 30% more, people are flying less.. I mean hell.. what do you expect? You just can’t win. I just want to fucking move to some no name country, and live happily.. Without all this shit. I want a caring wife, a few kids, and a peaceful life. Work hard, and just enjoy life. READ a bit perhaps? Educate myself. If you haven’t watched the last samurai, then you’re missing out. “These people here do their best every day at no matter what they do. They do it from the time they wake up till the time they goto sleep. I have a lot to learn from these people”
That’s the fucking value we lost out of life.. self fulfillment. Fulfillment from things OTHER than fucking cars, houses, money, etc. I’m slowly learning. I’ve never valued money as a huge thing. I do talk a lot about It, and I make quite a bit of it, and it IS important to me, but you ask anyone, I spend my money on them quite a bit. I share you know, and it brings me great joy. There is no better feeling than giving all of yourself for someone and knowing that it matters to them you know. It just feels good
Thu, Aug. 26th, 2004, 11:05 pm
Yet another. I'm a tad annoyed / hurt / loney / bored / pissed / not sure
I don't know, it's a combination of things, but I'm not sure. Only time I write in this is uslaly when I have something that means something on my mind you know, and opf late thigns have been such a blur, and things are fine. Well have been you know. It's just that I'm just in a position right now I just kinda wanna vent is all. Not sure why exactly, but I think this spiral of a thing is due to me hanging out with luke and his gf. He completly ignores me, and I'm soo the third wheel. It's not us three hanging out, it's THEM, and me.. I mean wtf. All that kissing and lovey dubby stuff, I don't know, it makes me feel awkword, loney, and sad. Makes me think of what I don't.. no.. it's.. I'm not sure. Maybe I feel alienated becuase I don't have that ? It's hard to explain but it made me feel horrible. Then after a couple hours of that, I come home and watch some olympixs with my bro and sis, and all I freakn hear is "that girl looks like a guy" "She's ugly" All this shit, I fucking hate it. I flipped out and finally said something to the fact that, I don't want to fucking hear it anymore, and that to quit worring about what they look like. It make me freakn cringe everytime they say that, it's so mean, heartless, and judgmental. It's lack of acceptence you know. Of course they look different becuase A we don't see them that often in our country, and B just becuase we are fucking blasted with shitty girl mags, playboy models, actresses, pictures and shit, we all need to look that way. Get a mother fucking life people. God that pissed me right off. I hate people talking shit behind people's backs regardless of the situation. Perfect example.....My mom says " that cake sucked, it was so dry" WTF!!!!!!!! Thank God she didn't hear that, that would crush her. Don't you fucking care people!!!!!!! GEERRRRRR!@ Why can't people CARE about other's FEELINGS, not our own so that we feel beter about ourselves.. or whatever the fuck they get out of by making fun and mocking people. God, they are people too, they have feelings and all that shit you know. I hate meanness.
I found this on an MSN site link http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2484&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544658>1=4549
and since I'm curious about what women are looking for etc, I figured I'd check it out. Glad to know I'm the prince :P lol
Six ways to tell a prince from a player
By Debbie Magids, Ph.D.
It’s hard to meet men, let alone a good man, so when you find someone you connect with and hormones fly, it’s easy to lose direction and difficult to know whether he’s a prince or player.
By definition, a prince is the nice guy you probably rejected in high school – the keeper – the one interested in marriage and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The player, on the other hand, is the guy you dated or longed to date in high school. He’s the one who’s suave and sexy, and knows it. He’s the one with all the right moves, none of them putting your interests first. And yet, he’s so darn attractive. Here are six features that will help you tell a prince from a player.
A prince calls when he says he will. A player has a long list of excuses as to why he couldn’t call.
A prince puts you first. A player puts everything but you first – work, golf, drinking, friends, you name it.
A prince wants to meet your family and friends and wants you to meet his (when he sees the relationship is moving forward). A player may take you out with his friends (or bring his friends along on your date, depending how you view it), even on the first date. Consider this a clear sign that dating you has little to do with building a relationship. As for family, don’t plan on meeting them.
A prince invests time in you – taking time to find out your favorite song, dessert, etc., a sign of his falling for you. A player puts forth little effort to really get to know you.
A prince is the one who will hand-deliver chicken soup when you’re sick. A player is the one who will be way too busy to see you when you’re sick because it won’t be any fun for him.
A prince will romance you slowly, bringing you a single flower or bouquet when the time is right, sending a romantic card, or going someplace fancy for dinner to celebrate something special. A player will romance you from soup to nuts right away – dozens of the most expensive bouquets “just because,” going to the most expensive restaurants from the beginning, and other similar extravagances. He’s looking for a quick payoff.
Girlfriend, beware: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is! If you’re caught up in a whirlwind romance, remember, tornadoes sweep in, wreak havoc, and disappear as quickly as they came. Slow and steady really does win the race!